She arrived...and I'm gonna make a move. And I know she is probably a very nice person, intelligent, and so on...but with her there, it is so hard for me to behave normally. 

I'm glad I wasn't there when she arrived. It would have me me feel really weird.

Se was also very careful when I was with them ( I think she suspects that I fancy him or something) , so I should be grateful, I guess...

So basically now there is this thing ( she was away for a while, so the developments in the  'friendship' between me and P. are new to her) where she wants to be a friend of mine too...and I kinda like her, so, why not? 

I like the fact that she' s very calm, the opposite of me. I think the funniest thing is that she likes me, in a way, and my love for P. is something to be proud of for her. I don't think she's  jealous of us two. 

But,whatever, what will be will be!  

I must say I don't care too much, as I'm already kinda starting to give up on P....there's so much going on around him, that just makes me very nervous.

But then, yes, it was predictable. 

I couldn't  imagine hanging out together with her giving a shit about me. 

So when I see them together, I cannot help saying really lame stupid things, and p. has definitely noticed that, coz he actually told me that I looked: " scarily happy! "

So, I dunno was'going next....

 

there's something wrong on my blog...I can't see the 'followers' section...anybody can help?

I keep promising myself that I'm not gonna see him as often as I'm doing now. But, who am i trying to fool?

Everyday I say to myself: " tomorrow you' re not going to call him", but then, the day after, I always find an excuse to do it. Either he calls me, or I just can't resist. Or maybe I go out for a stroll, and my feet spontaneously take me to his house. 

I remember my grandma used to tell me a fairy-tale about a magnetic mountain: the ships that got to close to it were attracted to it and destroyed. And all the sailors would day crashed bye the collapsing bits of ship.  

I've been trying to do some artwork, some drawing...but I just can't! I'm so emotional these days that everything seems to have a special meaning for me. Really anything. But then, when I want to translate that in some sort of art, I just can't!

It's as if I couldn't fix the images I have in my mind, or the emotions I have in my heart.

And, I know it sounds ridicoulous but, I started making a drawing of P. for three times, and everytime it was just shit. Which kind of annoys me as I love drawing.

Oh, how boringgg!

My mother keeps complaining about me, saying that I'm lazy, that I don't do 'enough'. I don't understand why people are so obsessed with producing things, it seems that the act of thinking for it's own sake is not accepted anymore. They want results, stuff they can buy or sell, money.

It's all very sad.

Now, when I wake up the first thing I think about is seeing him. And sometimes (like yesterday) I can think of nothing else all day. Is he bewitching me or something? : )

Today I was supposed to go to P.'s place, but I was sort of ill, so I couldn't go.

I sent him an email instead, as he told me since I couldn't go he was gonna do something so he wasn't going to be online or anything until later in the afternoon. 

You have no idea how obsessively I waited for him to reply to my email...I was almost going insane. I just started at the computer screen all day and waited for his name to appear in my inbox. 

And when it did, it was like the best thing in the world, ahah. How pathetic. 

But I cannot really help it!

I mean, he sends me like 5 emails a day or something, but this particular on had a special, uhm, halo around it...his name in my inbox glowed like a star. 

Ok, I'm definitely not well. I'm saying delirious things and all. 

I hope this fuckin illness will go away soon. 

Oh, I love it when, walking side by side, my hand and his touch unintentionally; or when our knees touch under the table. I tend to step back in these occasions, cause I'm shy, but there's something that pushes me forward too, and I enter this strange state where I don't know what to do anymore. 

mmm, I'm not sure he perceives all of this...but when he, without even thinking about it (or does he?) puts his hand on my shoulder or when, whil speaking, he comes really close to my face with his face, then I just go nuts inside, and blush or something. 

I so know I should just dare telling him...but I'm a weaklings, it seems. A weakling. 

The problem is that, when he's around, his personality and beauty and everything overwhelms me so much that I feel kinda blocked. I get really confused and think I couldn't handle a refusal from him. But everything he does really, when he plays his favorite tune on the piano and I find myself whistling it for hours afterwards as if it had always been my own favorite tune. 

It's funny how this little tune always comes to my mind when I fell really depressed. It's already distracted me from suicidal thoughts a couple of times...

oh, this is the song he likes to play...this is not him though : )

No, I don't think I'm wrong! 

I can read in his eyes an sincere interest for me and my life....I can feel that, (and I wanna trust myself)that he...damn, how can I put it...that he loves me, in a way?

This feeling makes me feel much stronger...I love myself a lot more because of this feeling. 

Is this pretentious? Not that I care...I gotta remember that he still has a girlfriend. Or at least, that's what he says. Everytime ( not very often) he talks about her, I loose hope. As I know she's still there. But then, I do feel there's something going on in him, as I said. 

A thing of Beauty is a Joy Forever

I told a friend of mine about P. I didn't want to at first, but then we got quite drunk together and I couldn't resist.
He asked me if I fancy P. This term, "fancy" seemed so inappropriate and lame to me that I almost got angry.
I mean, how could I reduce the mixture of feelings I have for P. as "fancy"?
There's so much more to it, and yet, it's so hard to explain. I wish I was a great poet or a composer sometimes.
It's like if he had asked me if I like Rimbaud ( my favourite poet) or Beethoven...I mean, how could I say I "like" them? It's such a complex way of loving someone.

Since I couldn't answer my friend and I was getting angry, I changed subject.
He didn't even notice, I think.

I was hanging out with my parents yesterday and guess who I met?

oh...it was all very strange. P. is back, and he happened to be hanging out with his father too, and, I think I've said this already, but his father and my father are old friends.
I think they vaguely know me and P. know each other, but they have no idea about the fact that we see each other so often, at least I don't think. They both work a lot, ya know, never home.


Anyhow, they stopped to talk and I really didn't know what to do...I think I blushed a bit.
P. was looking at me with those bloody amazing eyes!!!! ahhh..I'm kust a stupid kid.

But he was...I think he was embbarrassed too tho, cauze when I looked at him he would look away like pretend he didn't care.

Maybe he actually doesn't care that much?

Maybe it's just all in my stupid mind?

I couldn't help thinking this afterwards, the thought depressed me and I wanted to cry.
When we departed I kept looking back at him walking down the street, his beautiful hair. his shoulders, his ass.

I so want to be closer to him.

What a stupid fucked up child I am!

P. is back! Last night I went to see him, he had to look after one of his little sisters but told me I could hang out with him anyway. 

We went for a walk, the three of us, and we ended up in this little square near St. Paul which I could relate to in some profound way, even though I had no clue why. It was very strange, this square made me feel sad, kinda melancholic, as if I had spent a lot of time there or something, and yet, I could not remember. 

I told this to P. and he seemed very interested, he said something about the Uncanny and stuff like that. 

Since P.'s little sister was looking at us without understanding, we started telling her made up stories about this square...we got really into it and it was a lot of fun to just invent absurd stories. I think it was the more fun because she believed them!

We, for example told her that the bench we were sitting on was in fact a magical bench that could fly and stuff like that, really over the top, and she was really impressed, ahah. 

It was all very sweet, and I think I'm getting closer and closer to P. 

I think he now just takes my presence for granted or something. 

I'm still unsure about his feelings though. It's just so great to sit next to him that sometimes I think it doesn't really matter. 

Aww, I had been seeing P. but now he has gone on holiday... luckily, it's gonna be a short one.

He left early this morning, we spent pretty much the whole night together, it was ace. 

Basically last night we just wandered around London without knowing where we were going, we just wanted to keep walking and talk. 

So, basically,we ended up near this amazing cemetery, close the where P. lives. >The cemetery was closed, but there was this guardian there getting bored, so we started talking to him. There were these huge trees in the cemetery, and the guardian knew every single thing about each tree and stuff. It was really amazing. 

Then, we walked further and saw there were people standing outside a bar. We wanted to get in but they wouldn't let us. They would have let P. in, probably, but I'm to young. So we just spent some time outside there and there was this girl that was quite drunk and she came to me and started and kind of tried to chat me up. I didn't actually do anything, hardly replied, but suddenly this guy came with a very angry look on his face. He must have been drunk too or something and it seems that girl was his girlfriend. 

But, seriously, what could I do? I wasn't even interested in the girl. This guy got angry at me because she was interested in me.

It sounds all funny now, but really, you should have seen this guy, he was huge. 

Anyway, luckily P. managed to explain what had happened, and we sort of ran away. 

We were talking about it afterwards and we came to the conclusion that for people, often, being angry or aggressive or in a bad mood in general is almost a habit. It it just something that everybody wants to get rd of, but then nobody really does anything about it. Especially aggressiveness. 

People constantly struggle to be healthy, to be beautiful, to be better, but nobody really thinks about the small things. 

I mean, I'm not the happiest person, quite the opposite in fact, I'm quite depressed and all that. But I hate it when people are aggressive without any reason.  

P. and me were talking about this guy, and the fact that his behavior must have been really embarrassing for his girlfriend. P. said he hates it when people are so patronizing. 

This thing he said made me think of situations I have gone through in my past, unmotivated aggressiveness and things like that, and I just got very sad. Gosh, I can be so emotional sometimes. P. noticed this immediately, but he didn't quite know what to do, you could tell he was uneasy. 

I spent sometime without saying anything, and he accepted it and did the same, but then he obviously couldn't take anymore of my shit, cause he asked me what the matter was. I should have told him how emotional I am, LOL. 

Well, he knows now. 

Anyway, after a while this sadness just went away, and he said he didn't mind, but that he wanted to know more about me. That's very promising. 

I like him so much!