Everything seems to change inside me so suddenly. Sometimes I feel like my perspective on life is becoming happier, clearer, but unfortunately that feeling always only last for one moment! When I get lost in these kind of thoughts, I can't help thinking: "what if she died? Maybe you...Yes, he, of course...". And so I run after my ideals, that inevitably lead me to an abyss, in front of which I always step back, scared.

When I walk down that street I walked down that time we went get P. to go to the party, I always think it looks so different. Everything looks so different!

It happens to me as it would happen to a ghost that returns to the, now abandoned, castle he bought and furnished when he was still alive and rich and that, before dying, he left to his son.

4 August

It doesn't happen this way to me only, you know. Everybody is disappointed about their expectations, their hopes.

I went to visit this woman I used to know when I was a little kid. When I arrived, one of his sons came to meet me and he called her. As soon as she approached, she said: "Hans is dead". Hans was the youngest of her children. I didn't say anything.