15 September

It is crazy to think that there can be people who don't give a shit about whatever still makes any kind of sense on this planet. Yesterday I found out these particular chestnut trees I used to sit under with P. have been cut. I loved those trees so much it's hard to explain. They filled me with joy, just to know they were there, they had been there there for years, maybe centuries prior to my existence, and they were going to be there for years after my death.

I remember my teacher at school telling us the scientific names of them, over and over again, but I can't remember them now coz I forgot everything. I think he learnt those names from his grandfather himself.

I seriously wish I could have stopped whoever did that.

He left for a few days to go see her. Today I went in the room and he came to meet me. I kissed his hand, happy.
I looked in the mirror and saw a canary in a cage. "A friend of mine" he said, taking it out and holding in his hand. " I got it for my little brothers. Look at it! It eats from my hand.
He put his lips closer to the bird and he tried to insert its beak between them.
"It'll kiss you too" he said moving the bird closer to me.
The little beak started pecking at my lips now, a delicate, rhythmic beating.
"Its kissing has some desire in it...it wants food after all."
"I feed it too with my mouth" he said. He took some bread crumbs and put them between his lips. He smiled.
I turned around as I could barely stand this smile. He should never do this to me.
...but why not after all? He trusts me. He knows how much I love him.

It was hard, but I did it in the end! I threw away the blue jacket I was wearing the first time I met P. It was at a party. My jacket was clean when we started dancing, but by the end of the night it was a mess, I even ripped it.

I've bought a new one, it's very similar. I've also bought a pair of trousers that kinda look like the ones I was wearing when I met him.

But it's not the same thing at all. I don't know. Maybe, with time, even this new jacket will acquire some kind of meaning.

4 September

Yes, that's the was it is. As nature is walking towards autumn, so, even inside and around me, autumn rises. My leaves are withering and those of the trees have fallen already.

I really want to tell the story of a man I met recently. He himself told me this story, his story, which managed to move me a lot. I could as well keep these things for myself...seems like I only want to spread compassion and sadness around.

He was really sad when we started talking, and shy, at first, he hardly answered my questions. But, after a while, he became more open, and he started pouring out all this stuff, he confessed what he thought he had done wrong to me, what he wished he could do better. I wish I could repeat what he said word for word.

He told me how he'd fallen in love with this girl, a lot younger, so much so that he could not eat or sleep or think anymore. He kept doing things he wasn't supposed to do and forgetting what he was supposed to do. He told me he felt like he was cursed or something.

He talked a lot about her too, how she'd understood his feelings for her and somehow responded.

But then he got kind of confused and defensive and said that I shouldn't think that he was a perv or a nutter.

But I'm not describing well...if I could present this person as he was when he was talking to me, if I could translate his exact words one for one...

anyway, I should maybe add that the girl's brother got to know about him. He's been watching out for him since he understood the whole story (or he thought he did).

He'll probably never see her again.

I'm not exaggerating the story at all...actually, I've only repeated like half of it, without any details, because they wouldn't make much sense anyway, written by me. What do I know about this kind of things, this kind of love.

What do I know about love?

I am calm now. Read, this is my story too. This will happen to me too, and I don't have even half of the strength, not even half of the courage that man had.

SOMETIMES I WONDER HOW COULD ANYONE ELSE DARE TO, AND HAVE THE RIGHT TO, LOVE HIM, SINCE ONLY I LOVE HIM THIS DEEPLY,COMPLETELY, AND I KNOW NOTHING AND I OWN NOTHING EXCEPT FOR HIM.