what happened to Shola?

it seems that you've deleted your blog?

why?

ME

flight or attempted suicide?

Ah.

last night I was in a playground with friends...we were all pretty drunk and there was this swing...I got on it and one of my friends started pushing. And I just jumped off, but it was really high an I hadn't realized it. So I just fell flat on the ground. I smashed my face and shoulder. 

ahah, I'm seriously stupid.

Now I'm fine, but my right arm and shoulder is not. I cannot move it...

funny eh?

 

I still can't believe this...

last night, for no particular reason, I started thinking about a guy I had a brief crush on a few years ago. 

He came to my mind and I realized that I hadn't seen or spoken to him in a long time. 

I therefore decided to look him up on the internet, to see what he was up to.

Well, it didn't take me long to find out what he is up to now: he is dead.

I got to know this through a video some friends of his put on YouTube. It's all about him and it's full of comments like " we'll never forget you" and stuff like that. 

I was completely shocked...I still don't believe it now. 

It was never a big thing between me and him. But it just seems absurd that he don't exist anymore now and that I found out so randomly. 

I mean, I can't stop thinking that, if I hadn't thought about him last night, I would still believe he is alive now. 

It's too strange...I'm not even particularly sad or depressed about it...but I just find myself thinking about it and being surprised every time I do.

I'm totally fucked up

I didn't do it, again...I have postponed twice already now. 

I actually missed a good occasion, my parents not being around last night. 

It probably won't happen again for a long time now, which means, I'm gonna have to wait. 

Wait.

I had to postpone my plans for tonight...it kind of went wrong. But I will try gain tomorrow, hopefully it will work.

I cannot really say what I'm up to, I will be more specific when and if things work out.

I know this is very cryptic ... but I'll hopefully be able to say more in a couple of days' time.

night

One of my favourite poems

written by my love Arthur Rimbaud at 15...it's not even the best translation....

On a blue summer evening I shall go
down the path
And, brushed by wheat, walk on the
fine grass.
Dreaming along, I’ll feel the coolness
under my feet
And bathe my bare head in the poetic
wind.
I won’t speak, I will not even think,
But infinite love will geyser up in my
soul,
And I’ll go far, far away, like a Gypsy
Into the wilds — as happy as if I were
with a woman.

feeling really confused...I'm not sure who I am anymore

It's crazy...I'm so messed up that a film it's enough to make me feel total rubbish. I went to see Milk last night. It was awesome, I love Gus Van Sant (and it wasn't even my favourite film, I'm so in love with Paranoid Park).

Anyway, I just started feeling real rubbish because I'm confused about myself...maybe I'm gay?

I mean, I kind kind of know that I am...but then, one thing is to say it, and another is to actually BE something. Which is why I feel so bad, because I always do that, when it comes to being I always withdraw...and I hate it. I hate myself.

I so fuckin want to go away. Leave.

I' m waiting, I'm waiting, I'm waiting.