S**t, I have to leave. fuck it...they convinced me to come here so this course and now I have to move again. I just made a mess and I don't wanna be here anymore. Well, it's not that I was enjoying myself here but..

So I'm gonna briefly explain what happened. This older friend of mine, C. invited me to have lunch at his place. So I go there, and he tells me he's throwing a party the same night in his place. And, you know, parties at C.'s are like The Parties around here. We have lunch than start chatting and stuff, and time goes on. Well, thing is, party time comes and people start arriving. They're obviously all older than me (C.'s age) and I feel kinda uncomfortable being around. Also, I don't know anybody except for C., so I don't really know what to do, and I just hang around drinking and pretending I have somewhere to go. Luckily, my friend B. arrives too, and that' s more than a relief. But by then I am already kinda drunk. And then me and her keep on drinking this cocktails, and drink and drink. So basically by the end everything becomes blurry and everybody else seems to be drunk too. They're all dancing and stuff.

And, I wish this had never happened, this one guy keeps looking at me. I'm like lying half asleep on a sofa. And this guy comes to me and starts talking to me. I don't even remember what we talked about. I just know that at some point he asks me if I've seen C.'s collection of films. I say yes, and he's like: "Oh, really? I've never seen it, but I've been told it is great! Would you mind taking me to see it?" And I kinda know (but not really) what this is all leading to, since C. keeps his dvd's in in bedroom. But I'm too drunk to refuse, so I just go. B. tries to say something to stop me, but I kinda get pissed off at her and say that she's not my mother so I'll do what I want.

So we go to C.'s room, and this guy starts kissing me as soon as we are there. I really am too drunk to even think, so I just go along with what he's doing. It's all blurry and I just remember taking half of my clothes off. And he kinda pushing me on the bed. I forget that we're in someone else's house, and there's a party going on. I just forget everything. I don't even remember who I am at that point.

So I honestly am really puzzled when this girl comes in. Because, well, from the way she is screaming it really sounds like she's the guy's girlfriend or something. She's like mad....and, well, I can't blame her, I guess.

Anyway, it's all really confusing and embarrassing, and I'm so drunk I can barely understand what's going on. The guy starts apologising and I just start putting my clothes back on, and I'm like almost crying coz I'm really embarrassed.

And, of course, other people have heard the girl screaming so they come to see what's going on. She's so mad at me she literally throws me out of the house. I'm so upset and drunk I don't even wait for B. or anybody, I just get a taxi and go home.

So this is what happened, and since then it's been really unbearable to be here. First of all,because I still feel like an idiot for letting that happen. I mean it was just so embarrassing and bad...and secondly, because now everybody knows about it, and this is a small place and that was like the main party, so I'm done here.

I could pretend I don't care, but the truth is I do, and it's pretty impossible not to when you know that anywhere you go people know about you.

But it's more for myself, the sense of really feeling dirty and guilty for the first time. I didn't want that to happen, but I let it happen. It's just fucked up.

I hope you can get all the good days I'm being deprived of.

I once promised myself I was gonna get rid of the photo of P. I have on my bulletin board. But I never did. And now, thinking about it, why should I? Perhaps I'm not the person P. loves the most, but I am at least the second. And I wanna keep this place, if it can't get any better. I cannot think he could forget me. To even think about that possibility is like...hell.

Goodbye, my angel. Goodbye, P.

I'm afraid I'm not gonna be able to stand living here much longer. My classmates are mostly unbearable, they're just so ridiculous I cannot help myself laughing when I speak to them, or contradicting them. An, of course, this is a problem for them. One of them even complained about me with the school director, which is a real pain in the ass. I was also about to give the job up, but then the director wrote to me asking to stay. He was actually very nice. He told me he understood where I was coming from, that he appreciated my sensitivity and my enthusiasm. He told me I could use all those qualities to just become a better me. That helped a lot I gotta say. I've been feeling a lot better the last eight days or so. To feel in peace with oneself is something amazing. To be happy with oneself. It is such a precious, but such a fragile feeling!

The weather has been pretty crap for the last few days...I like it. Because it seems that, since I've been here, there has not yet been a good day that was spoilt by someone or something. If it rains, snows, freezes, though, oh! I think that it's not gonna be worse inside than outside, and the other way round, so everything's cool. So, if, by looking at the sun early in the morning, you can tell that the day is going to be beautiful, I say to myself: "Seems like we're gonna have another gift from Mother Nature that human beings are going to spoil!"

There is nothing people don't destroy: health, reputation, happiness, rest. And this, is almost always because of their stupidity, their misunderstanding and their narrowness of mind. Sometimes I just feel like kneeling down in front of them and begging them not to be so cruel against each other.

I here report an email I sent to P. (I finally managed to do it!)

Dear P.,

I'm here writing to you from an internet cafe I was forced to get in due to a sudden storm. I must say that, during the time I've spent in this fucking hole of a place, I haven't once thought about writing to you. And now, in this tiny, depressing internet cafe, you are the first person who came to my mind. It's funny, as soon as I got in this place, the image, the memory of you, P., appeared so vividly and so intensely in my mind. Wow, I feel happy again for the first time after ages.

You wouldn't imagine how bad I've been feeling lately. I've been looking for distractions that only made things worse...my senses seem to have gone numb, and I haven't felt a moment of satisfaction or happiness since I can't remember when.

Always nothing, nothing.

I feel like I've been looking at the world in front of me as if it were a little stage, and I, a giant. I see little men and animals moving in front of me and sometimes I wonder if it is not all just an illusion, like a hologram or something.

I carry on playing my part, or rather I let others play me as if I were a marionette or a musical instrument. And, when I try to touch them, all I can feel is wood or stone.

At night I plan to watch the sun rising the morning after, and then I can't get out of bed. During the days, I look forward to the moonlight and then I stay locked in my bedroom.

There's something missing, definitely. That magical something that would keep me up until late at night is gone. And so is whatever gave me the energies to get up in the mornings.

I have met someone, a girl, B. She reminds me of you, in some weird way. Even though it's hardly possible to be similar to you. Hey, I'm not trying to be flattering...well, perhaps I am.

I've just found out I can be very gentle if I want to. I can also lie very well. Girls seem to like that a lot, yawn.

But, hey, B., she's very nice. She seems to understand me. She's got some really fine blue eyes, daydreaming eyes. She's a big daydreamer also, like me. We spend hours fantasising about country side, far away places, and all that. We also talk about you. She likes you, from what I've told her.

Now, I wish I were there with you, and your little brothers and sisters running around us. I miss those moments. I felt happy then.

The sun is setting now...I can see its peachy light spreading over the shiny streets. The storm has gone, and I...I'll just go back to my 'cage'.

Bye, P.

Oh, how is it going with your girlfriend? Sorry, it sounds like I'm being jealous now.

Love to you.

XX

What kind of human beings are these, whose only target is to achieve, to become important, to succeed? And they would have so many other things to do, if they only looked around!

It's only idiots that can't see how the rank is not what matters..that people on higher ranks often don't have the highest duties.

And so, who's the first, really?

Whoever is able to look further and that is clever enough to use others' passions and energies to get what he/she wants.