SOMETIMES I WONDER HOW COULD ANYONE ELSE DARE TO, AND HAVE THE RIGHT TO, LOVE HIM, SINCE ONLY I LOVE HIM THIS DEEPLY,COMPLETELY, AND I KNOW NOTHING AND I OWN NOTHING EXCEPT FOR HIM.

Everything seems to change inside me so suddenly. Sometimes I feel like my perspective on life is becoming happier, clearer, but unfortunately that feeling always only last for one moment! When I get lost in these kind of thoughts, I can't help thinking: "what if she died? Maybe you...Yes, he, of course...". And so I run after my ideals, that inevitably lead me to an abyss, in front of which I always step back, scared.

When I walk down that street I walked down that time we went get P. to go to the party, I always think it looks so different. Everything looks so different!

It happens to me as it would happen to a ghost that returns to the, now abandoned, castle he bought and furnished when he was still alive and rich and that, before dying, he left to his son.

4 August

It doesn't happen this way to me only, you know. Everybody is disappointed about their expectations, their hopes.

I went to visit this woman I used to know when I was a little kid. When I arrived, one of his sons came to meet me and he called her. As soon as she approached, she said: "Hans is dead". Hans was the youngest of her children. I didn't say anything.

Yeah...that's right. I....his boyfriend? God, if you had given me this gift I'm sure I'd be praying a lot more...

No. I should stop with these useless thoughts. Him...if I could hold him even just once. He seems to me to be the most beautiful creature living under the sun.

Am I allowed to say this? Why not? With me, he would have been a lot happier than he is with her. I'm sure she does not truly understand that heart. I could. I can.

The fact that her heart doesn't seem to be in harmony with, let's say...a certain paragraph of a certain book that him and I understood so well our hearts became like one as we read.

But, yes...she loves him, no doubt. So I guess she deserves his love, doesn't she.

Oh shit, I'm so distracted I can't even write anymore. I'm so distracted I forgot I was crying and now I've got dry tears on my cheeks and they're sort of itchy.

Adieu for now

Where do I want to go? Let me tell you in all confidence. For fifteen days I'll stay here; then, I don't really know....I mean...I just want to be close to P. again really. And this is all.

I laugh at my heart and do what he tells me to do.

Yes!! I'll be a gipsy, I'll travel world wide! But you, perhaps, you are something more than this?

Say whatever you want to say, I can't stay here anymore. What am I doing here? Time becomes endless. I feel out of place, weird...I think I'll stay here a little bit longer, like eight days, and then I'll go back to my 'wild' life. The best thing I've been doing here has been to draw....but everybody here is so attached to reality it is hard to share anything related to art, or fantasy.