4 September

Yes, that's the was it is. As nature is walking towards autumn, so, even inside and around me, autumn rises. My leaves are withering and those of the trees have fallen already.

I really want to tell the story of a man I met recently. He himself told me this story, his story, which managed to move me a lot. I could as well keep these things for myself...seems like I only want to spread compassion and sadness around.

He was really sad when we started talking, and shy, at first, he hardly answered my questions. But, after a while, he became more open, and he started pouring out all this stuff, he confessed what he thought he had done wrong to me, what he wished he could do better. I wish I could repeat what he said word for word.

He told me how he'd fallen in love with this girl, a lot younger, so much so that he could not eat or sleep or think anymore. He kept doing things he wasn't supposed to do and forgetting what he was supposed to do. He told me he felt like he was cursed or something.

He talked a lot about her too, how she'd understood his feelings for her and somehow responded.

But then he got kind of confused and defensive and said that I shouldn't think that he was a perv or a nutter.

But I'm not describing well...if I could present this person as he was when he was talking to me, if I could translate his exact words one for one...

anyway, I should maybe add that the girl's brother got to know about him. He's been watching out for him since he understood the whole story (or he thought he did).

He'll probably never see her again.

I'm not exaggerating the story at all...actually, I've only repeated like half of it, without any details, because they wouldn't make much sense anyway, written by me. What do I know about this kind of things, this kind of love.

What do I know about love?

I am calm now. Read, this is my story too. This will happen to me too, and I don't have even half of the strength, not even half of the courage that man had.

SOMETIMES I WONDER HOW COULD ANYONE ELSE DARE TO, AND HAVE THE RIGHT TO, LOVE HIM, SINCE ONLY I LOVE HIM THIS DEEPLY,COMPLETELY, AND I KNOW NOTHING AND I OWN NOTHING EXCEPT FOR HIM.

Everything seems to change inside me so suddenly. Sometimes I feel like my perspective on life is becoming happier, clearer, but unfortunately that feeling always only last for one moment! When I get lost in these kind of thoughts, I can't help thinking: "what if she died? Maybe you...Yes, he, of course...". And so I run after my ideals, that inevitably lead me to an abyss, in front of which I always step back, scared.

When I walk down that street I walked down that time we went get P. to go to the party, I always think it looks so different. Everything looks so different!

It happens to me as it would happen to a ghost that returns to the, now abandoned, castle he bought and furnished when he was still alive and rich and that, before dying, he left to his son.

4 August

It doesn't happen this way to me only, you know. Everybody is disappointed about their expectations, their hopes.

I went to visit this woman I used to know when I was a little kid. When I arrived, one of his sons came to meet me and he called her. As soon as she approached, she said: "Hans is dead". Hans was the youngest of her children. I didn't say anything.

Yeah...that's right. I....his boyfriend? God, if you had given me this gift I'm sure I'd be praying a lot more...

No. I should stop with these useless thoughts. Him...if I could hold him even just once. He seems to me to be the most beautiful creature living under the sun.

Am I allowed to say this? Why not? With me, he would have been a lot happier than he is with her. I'm sure she does not truly understand that heart. I could. I can.

The fact that her heart doesn't seem to be in harmony with, let's say...a certain paragraph of a certain book that him and I understood so well our hearts became like one as we read.

But, yes...she loves him, no doubt. So I guess she deserves his love, doesn't she.

Oh shit, I'm so distracted I can't even write anymore. I'm so distracted I forgot I was crying and now I've got dry tears on my cheeks and they're sort of itchy.

Adieu for now

Where do I want to go? Let me tell you in all confidence. For fifteen days I'll stay here; then, I don't really know....I mean...I just want to be close to P. again really. And this is all.

I laugh at my heart and do what he tells me to do.

Yes!! I'll be a gipsy, I'll travel world wide! But you, perhaps, you are something more than this?