I here report an email I sent to P. (I finally managed to do it!)

Dear P.,

I'm here writing to you from an internet cafe I was forced to get in due to a sudden storm. I must say that, during the time I've spent in this fucking hole of a place, I haven't once thought about writing to you. And now, in this tiny, depressing internet cafe, you are the first person who came to my mind. It's funny, as soon as I got in this place, the image, the memory of you, P., appeared so vividly and so intensely in my mind. Wow, I feel happy again for the first time after ages.

You wouldn't imagine how bad I've been feeling lately. I've been looking for distractions that only made things worse...my senses seem to have gone numb, and I haven't felt a moment of satisfaction or happiness since I can't remember when.

Always nothing, nothing.

I feel like I've been looking at the world in front of me as if it were a little stage, and I, a giant. I see little men and animals moving in front of me and sometimes I wonder if it is not all just an illusion, like a hologram or something.

I carry on playing my part, or rather I let others play me as if I were a marionette or a musical instrument. And, when I try to touch them, all I can feel is wood or stone.

At night I plan to watch the sun rising the morning after, and then I can't get out of bed. During the days, I look forward to the moonlight and then I stay locked in my bedroom.

There's something missing, definitely. That magical something that would keep me up until late at night is gone. And so is whatever gave me the energies to get up in the mornings.

I have met someone, a girl, B. She reminds me of you, in some weird way. Even though it's hardly possible to be similar to you. Hey, I'm not trying to be flattering...well, perhaps I am.

I've just found out I can be very gentle if I want to. I can also lie very well. Girls seem to like that a lot, yawn.

But, hey, B., she's very nice. She seems to understand me. She's got some really fine blue eyes, daydreaming eyes. She's a big daydreamer also, like me. We spend hours fantasising about country side, far away places, and all that. We also talk about you. She likes you, from what I've told her.

Now, I wish I were there with you, and your little brothers and sisters running around us. I miss those moments. I felt happy then.

The sun is setting now...I can see its peachy light spreading over the shiny streets. The storm has gone, and I...I'll just go back to my 'cage'.

Bye, P.

Oh, how is it going with your girlfriend? Sorry, it sounds like I'm being jealous now.

Love to you.

XX

What kind of human beings are these, whose only target is to achieve, to become important, to succeed? And they would have so many other things to do, if they only looked around!

It's only idiots that can't see how the rank is not what matters..that people on higher ranks often don't have the highest duties.

And so, who's the first, really?

Whoever is able to look further and that is clever enough to use others' passions and energies to get what he/she wants.

These people I'm supposed to work with here are real annoying. They're so square minded, and they can never appreciate anything one does. They always worry too much about everything they do...I rather just do stuff, whatever it happens...but they're so bloody fussy. Everything has to be perfect in a dumb way, it's really irritating.
The relationship I have with this guy I mentioned earlier is the only thing that makes things bearable. Actually, he recently said he's glad I'm staying here longer. He says I shouldn't worry too much about the people I have to work with. He said they're like big obstacles you have to go through. Of course, it would be a lot easier if the obstacles weren't there, but they are there and you have to learn cope with them!

My dad seems kinda worried of this relationship between me and C....coz he's older I guess. So he just spends a lot of time giving him shit...he has also started breaking my balls recently.
Yesterday, he basically said that C. might be a fun guy to go out with. But that he lacks culture and shit, and he's not happy about me hanging out with him.
After having said this, he was perhaps expecting me to have changed my mind.,..but I could feel nothing but despise for him, coz he can be so damn square.
I just let him know that it's the first time I meet a person who is so open and rich of experiences, and that I'm learning a lot from him.
But of course, this made things even worse (I can only imagine what he started thinking about) so I just left, furious.
It's so boring and depressing to see people like this, dedicated exclusively to work and nothing else. They just want to achieve, achieve and achieve. Nothing else seems to matter to them.
Of course, I realize it's not fair to judge other people only by comparing them to myself...and since I'm already quite busy trying to figure out something about myself, I'd probably better just leaving them alone.
But I have to live in this place and have some kind of relationship with these people so...

In the middle of all this, at least I have met one bearable person. It's a girl, B. She's nice, at least she can be honest with me. We've been hanging out recently. She's not from here, she's staying here with her auntie now...
it's not a very good situation for her here, coz her auntie is really irritanting and stuff, she's alone so she's got nothing else to hold on but her nephew.
So yes, she's kinda stuck with this old woman.

Dunno...not even sure what I'm blathering about.

I am starting, for what it is possible, to settle down here. The good thing is that there's stuff to do, there's new people, quite cool folks too, actually. I met this older guy, I'll just call him C., and I must say I don't remember feeling so much admiration for a person. He is so smart and open and has a completely personal view of everything. He's very sweet too, he got immediately interested in me, we just started chatting on a random occasion and carried on and on for like hours. He doesn't seem to mind at all that I'm younger...

There's nothing in the world like having a person you can talk openly and honestly with when you need to, I think. 

I arrived yesterday. I feel very alone, but I'm trying and be cool about it. A happy heart can bear everything...happy heart? haha, LOL...sometimes I write such random stuff. And to think that I wouldn't need that much to be the happiest boy in the world. I know, I know...with all the people that, having little more than nothing, manage to be satisfied, happy with themselves, I, on the other, miserable hand, continuously whine about my strengths and my qualities? I could easily do with half of such qualities, if only I could have some more self - esteem. 

Well, let's keep calm. Things will get better. I can feel it already. After a period of quasi complete self - inflicted isolation, to be again among people makes me feel better.  Because yes, sometimes I still forget that each one of us needs to relate in a way or the other to other people or other things and that loneliness can be more dangerous than it seems. Our imagination, pushed by our will to elevate ourselves, and fed by dreams and art, can build such incredible creatures that, if put among them, we seem to be of the lowest kind. And everything outside ourselves seems to us to be better, perfect. We sometimes feel that we are lacking something and it's exactly what we lack that most frequently attribute to the others. In the others, we also reflect a better, idealized version of ourselves. And here it is, the perfect creature, entirely created by us (a god). 

If, on the other hand, we keep everything to ourselves, we end up believing that everybody else is in competition with , or against, us. And we become envious, frustrated.