I hope you can get all the good days I'm being deprived of.

I once promised myself I was gonna get rid of the photo of P. I have on my bulletin board. But I never did. And now, thinking about it, why should I? Perhaps I'm not the person P. loves the most, but I am at least the second. And I wanna keep this place, if it can't get any better. I cannot think he could forget me. To even think about that possibility is like...hell.

Goodbye, my angel. Goodbye, P.

I'm afraid I'm not gonna be able to stand living here much longer. My classmates are mostly unbearable, they're just so ridiculous I cannot help myself laughing when I speak to them, or contradicting them. An, of course, this is a problem for them. One of them even complained about me with the school director, which is a real pain in the ass. I was also about to give the job up, but then the director wrote to me asking to stay. He was actually very nice. He told me he understood where I was coming from, that he appreciated my sensitivity and my enthusiasm. He told me I could use all those qualities to just become a better me. That helped a lot I gotta say. I've been feeling a lot better the last eight days or so. To feel in peace with oneself is something amazing. To be happy with oneself. It is such a precious, but such a fragile feeling!

The weather has been pretty crap for the last few days...I like it. Because it seems that, since I've been here, there has not yet been a good day that was spoilt by someone or something. If it rains, snows, freezes, though, oh! I think that it's not gonna be worse inside than outside, and the other way round, so everything's cool. So, if, by looking at the sun early in the morning, you can tell that the day is going to be beautiful, I say to myself: "Seems like we're gonna have another gift from Mother Nature that human beings are going to spoil!"

There is nothing people don't destroy: health, reputation, happiness, rest. And this, is almost always because of their stupidity, their misunderstanding and their narrowness of mind. Sometimes I just feel like kneeling down in front of them and begging them not to be so cruel against each other.

I here report an email I sent to P. (I finally managed to do it!)

Dear P.,

I'm here writing to you from an internet cafe I was forced to get in due to a sudden storm. I must say that, during the time I've spent in this fucking hole of a place, I haven't once thought about writing to you. And now, in this tiny, depressing internet cafe, you are the first person who came to my mind. It's funny, as soon as I got in this place, the image, the memory of you, P., appeared so vividly and so intensely in my mind. Wow, I feel happy again for the first time after ages.

You wouldn't imagine how bad I've been feeling lately. I've been looking for distractions that only made things worse...my senses seem to have gone numb, and I haven't felt a moment of satisfaction or happiness since I can't remember when.

Always nothing, nothing.

I feel like I've been looking at the world in front of me as if it were a little stage, and I, a giant. I see little men and animals moving in front of me and sometimes I wonder if it is not all just an illusion, like a hologram or something.

I carry on playing my part, or rather I let others play me as if I were a marionette or a musical instrument. And, when I try to touch them, all I can feel is wood or stone.

At night I plan to watch the sun rising the morning after, and then I can't get out of bed. During the days, I look forward to the moonlight and then I stay locked in my bedroom.

There's something missing, definitely. That magical something that would keep me up until late at night is gone. And so is whatever gave me the energies to get up in the mornings.

I have met someone, a girl, B. She reminds me of you, in some weird way. Even though it's hardly possible to be similar to you. Hey, I'm not trying to be flattering...well, perhaps I am.

I've just found out I can be very gentle if I want to. I can also lie very well. Girls seem to like that a lot, yawn.

But, hey, B., she's very nice. She seems to understand me. She's got some really fine blue eyes, daydreaming eyes. She's a big daydreamer also, like me. We spend hours fantasising about country side, far away places, and all that. We also talk about you. She likes you, from what I've told her.

Now, I wish I were there with you, and your little brothers and sisters running around us. I miss those moments. I felt happy then.

The sun is setting now...I can see its peachy light spreading over the shiny streets. The storm has gone, and I...I'll just go back to my 'cage'.

Bye, P.

Oh, how is it going with your girlfriend? Sorry, it sounds like I'm being jealous now.

Love to you.

XX

What kind of human beings are these, whose only target is to achieve, to become important, to succeed? And they would have so many other things to do, if they only looked around!

It's only idiots that can't see how the rank is not what matters..that people on higher ranks often don't have the highest duties.

And so, who's the first, really?

Whoever is able to look further and that is clever enough to use others' passions and energies to get what he/she wants.

These people I'm supposed to work with here are real annoying. They're so square minded, and they can never appreciate anything one does. They always worry too much about everything they do...I rather just do stuff, whatever it happens...but they're so bloody fussy. Everything has to be perfect in a dumb way, it's really irritating.
The relationship I have with this guy I mentioned earlier is the only thing that makes things bearable. Actually, he recently said he's glad I'm staying here longer. He says I shouldn't worry too much about the people I have to work with. He said they're like big obstacles you have to go through. Of course, it would be a lot easier if the obstacles weren't there, but they are there and you have to learn cope with them!

My dad seems kinda worried of this relationship between me and C....coz he's older I guess. So he just spends a lot of time giving him shit...he has also started breaking my balls recently.
Yesterday, he basically said that C. might be a fun guy to go out with. But that he lacks culture and shit, and he's not happy about me hanging out with him.
After having said this, he was perhaps expecting me to have changed my mind.,..but I could feel nothing but despise for him, coz he can be so damn square.
I just let him know that it's the first time I meet a person who is so open and rich of experiences, and that I'm learning a lot from him.
But of course, this made things even worse (I can only imagine what he started thinking about) so I just left, furious.
It's so boring and depressing to see people like this, dedicated exclusively to work and nothing else. They just want to achieve, achieve and achieve. Nothing else seems to matter to them.
Of course, I realize it's not fair to judge other people only by comparing them to myself...and since I'm already quite busy trying to figure out something about myself, I'd probably better just leaving them alone.
But I have to live in this place and have some kind of relationship with these people so...

In the middle of all this, at least I have met one bearable person. It's a girl, B. She's nice, at least she can be honest with me. We've been hanging out recently. She's not from here, she's staying here with her auntie now...
it's not a very good situation for her here, coz her auntie is really irritanting and stuff, she's alone so she's got nothing else to hold on but her nephew.
So yes, she's kinda stuck with this old woman.

Dunno...not even sure what I'm blathering about.