I had a plan in mind, and I didn't wanna say anything about it before it became reality. But now, since I'm making nothing out of it, I can as well say it. I wanted to leave, go away, far, seriously far. Somewhere wild, possibly. I was telling a friend of mine about it recently. He told me if I really wanted to go, I would have to be a lot more rational than I am about it.

(He doesn't want me)

mark

So, I travelled back to my hometown. I went through lots of different unexpected states of mind. When I arrived to the big tree I always used to go to as a kid, at about fifteen minutes distance from the town, I stopped the car and got off. I just wanted to live back the memories, taste them as if they were new and alive in my heart. I sat under the tree that, as a kid, used to be the last stop of many adventurous trips. Everything seemed so different! Back then, when I didn't know anything, I just wanted to get away, leave, find myself somewhere out there, hoping to fulfil my ever hungry self. And now, I was returning from the world, that world, with so many disappointments, so many failures! I could see in front of me the mountains that I once desired to reach. I could once sit for hours and just daydream about going beyond those mountains and loose myself in the woods that I could see from that position and, when it was time for me to leave, how sorry I was to have to interrupt my dreams!

Anyway, so I went to town, and I recognised all the old houses and noticed there were lots of new ones too.

It was so weird to see that my old school is not a school anymore. I just spent some time remembering all the pain I went through inside that place. What a nightmare!

Now, each step I took was in some way meaningful.

I followed the river down to a farm. I used to play with my friends as a kid around that farm. I spent so many hours observing the water, fantasising about where the river would have taken me to if I let myself go with the flow of the water. I had to go on, always on with fantasising about the horizon, about what could be just beyond that line, until I would get completely lost.

What point is there, really, in knowing that the Earth is round? We can't really perceive it anyway. We are limited in our own sense of flatness, anywhere we go.

Anybody can know what I know. But my heart, only I can have it.

Post Scriptum (on April the 19th)

Thank you (you know who you are) for your email. I didn't reply coz I didn't have time. I was afraid my mum was gonna complain about my decision to leave, and she did, but in the end she gave in. It's not that I asked her anyway.

So, tomorrow I'm leaving this place. And, since my hometown is only just a few miles from here, I wanna go see it again, just to remember the, what do they call them, 'good old times', when I used to spend all my time dreaming.

That's it. I'm gonna go. And if you wanna where to, ask him, this so - called friend of mine I met like yesterday. He asked me to go with him and I accepted. Why?

Why not?

I'll be free at least, at last. That's what he promised me.

And, since it really seems that we two understand each other, as far as it is possible to tell, I just want to trust him and go with him.

S**t, I have to leave. fuck it...they convinced me to come here so this course and now I have to move again. I just made a mess and I don't wanna be here anymore. Well, it's not that I was enjoying myself here but..

So I'm gonna briefly explain what happened. This older friend of mine, C. invited me to have lunch at his place. So I go there, and he tells me he's throwing a party the same night in his place. And, you know, parties at C.'s are like The Parties around here. We have lunch than start chatting and stuff, and time goes on. Well, thing is, party time comes and people start arriving. They're obviously all older than me (C.'s age) and I feel kinda uncomfortable being around. Also, I don't know anybody except for C., so I don't really know what to do, and I just hang around drinking and pretending I have somewhere to go. Luckily, my friend B. arrives too, and that' s more than a relief. But by then I am already kinda drunk. And then me and her keep on drinking this cocktails, and drink and drink. So basically by the end everything becomes blurry and everybody else seems to be drunk too. They're all dancing and stuff.

And, I wish this had never happened, this one guy keeps looking at me. I'm like lying half asleep on a sofa. And this guy comes to me and starts talking to me. I don't even remember what we talked about. I just know that at some point he asks me if I've seen C.'s collection of films. I say yes, and he's like: "Oh, really? I've never seen it, but I've been told it is great! Would you mind taking me to see it?" And I kinda know (but not really) what this is all leading to, since C. keeps his dvd's in in bedroom. But I'm too drunk to refuse, so I just go. B. tries to say something to stop me, but I kinda get pissed off at her and say that she's not my mother so I'll do what I want.

So we go to C.'s room, and this guy starts kissing me as soon as we are there. I really am too drunk to even think, so I just go along with what he's doing. It's all blurry and I just remember taking half of my clothes off. And he kinda pushing me on the bed. I forget that we're in someone else's house, and there's a party going on. I just forget everything. I don't even remember who I am at that point.

So I honestly am really puzzled when this girl comes in. Because, well, from the way she is screaming it really sounds like she's the guy's girlfriend or something. She's like mad....and, well, I can't blame her, I guess.

Anyway, it's all really confusing and embarrassing, and I'm so drunk I can barely understand what's going on. The guy starts apologising and I just start putting my clothes back on, and I'm like almost crying coz I'm really embarrassed.

And, of course, other people have heard the girl screaming so they come to see what's going on. She's so mad at me she literally throws me out of the house. I'm so upset and drunk I don't even wait for B. or anybody, I just get a taxi and go home.

So this is what happened, and since then it's been really unbearable to be here. First of all,because I still feel like an idiot for letting that happen. I mean it was just so embarrassing and bad...and secondly, because now everybody knows about it, and this is a small place and that was like the main party, so I'm done here.

I could pretend I don't care, but the truth is I do, and it's pretty impossible not to when you know that anywhere you go people know about you.

But it's more for myself, the sense of really feeling dirty and guilty for the first time. I didn't want that to happen, but I let it happen. It's just fucked up.

I hope you can get all the good days I'm being deprived of.

I once promised myself I was gonna get rid of the photo of P. I have on my bulletin board. But I never did. And now, thinking about it, why should I? Perhaps I'm not the person P. loves the most, but I am at least the second. And I wanna keep this place, if it can't get any better. I cannot think he could forget me. To even think about that possibility is like...hell.

Goodbye, my angel. Goodbye, P.