Monday, 15 March 2010

S**t, I have to leave. fuck it...they convinced me to come here so this course and now I have to move again. I just made a mess and I don't wanna be here anymore. Well, it's not that I was enjoying myself here but..
So I'm gonna briefly explain what happened. This older friend of mine, C. invited me to have lunch at his place. So I go there, and he tells me he's throwing a party the same night in his place. And, you know, parties at C.'s are like The Parties around here. We have lunch than start chatting and stuff, and time goes on. Well, thing is, party time comes and people start arriving. They're obviously all older than me (C.'s age) and I feel kinda uncomfortable being around. Also, I don't know anybody except for C., so I don't really know what to do, and I just hang around drinking and pretending I have somewhere to go. Luckily, my friend B. arrives too, and that' s more than a relief. But by then I am already kinda drunk. And then me and her keep on drinking this cocktails, and drink and drink. So basically by the end everything becomes blurry and everybody else seems to be drunk too. They're all dancing and stuff.
And, I wish this had never happened, this one guy keeps looking at me. I'm like lying half asleep on a sofa. And this guy comes to me and starts talking to me. I don't even remember what we talked about. I just know that at some point he asks me if I've seen C.'s collection of films. I say yes, and he's like: "Oh, really? I've never seen it, but I've been told it is great! Would you mind taking me to see it?" And I kinda know (but not really) what this is all leading to, since C. keeps his dvd's in in bedroom. But I'm too drunk to refuse, so I just go. B. tries to say something to stop me, but I kinda get pissed off at her and say that she's not my mother so I'll do what I want.
So we go to C.'s room, and this guy starts kissing me as soon as we are there. I really am too drunk to even think, so I just go along with what he's doing. It's all blurry and I just remember taking half of my clothes off. And he kinda pushing me on the bed. I forget that we're in someone else's house, and there's a party going on. I just forget everything. I don't even remember who I am at that point.
So I honestly am really puzzled when this girl comes in. Because, well, from the way she is screaming it really sounds like she's the guy's girlfriend or something. She's like mad....and, well, I can't blame her, I guess.
Anyway, it's all really confusing and embarrassing, and I'm so drunk I can barely understand what's going on. The guy starts apologising and I just start putting my clothes back on, and I'm like almost crying coz I'm really embarrassed.
And, of course, other people have heard the girl screaming so they come to see what's going on. She's so mad at me she literally throws me out of the house. I'm so upset and drunk I don't even wait for B. or anybody, I just get a taxi and go home.
So this is what happened, and since then it's been really unbearable to be here. First of all,because I still feel like an idiot for letting that happen. I mean it was just so embarrassing and bad...and secondly, because now everybody knows about it, and this is a small place and that was like the main party, so I'm done here.
I could pretend I don't care, but the truth is I do, and it's pretty impossible not to when you know that anywhere you go people know about you.
But it's more for myself, the sense of really feeling dirty and guilty for the first time. I didn't want that to happen, but I let it happen. It's just fucked up.

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