Thursday, 24 December 2009
The relationship I have with this guy I mentioned earlier is the only thing that makes things bearable. Actually, he recently said he's glad I'm staying here longer. He says I shouldn't worry too much about the people I have to work with. He said they're like big obstacles you have to go through. Of course, it would be a lot easier if the obstacles weren't there, but they are there and you have to learn cope with them!
My dad seems kinda worried of this relationship between me and C....coz he's older I guess. So he just spends a lot of time giving him shit...he has also started breaking my balls recently.
Yesterday, he basically said that C. might be a fun guy to go out with. But that he lacks culture and shit, and he's not happy about me hanging out with him.
After having said this, he was perhaps expecting me to have changed my mind.,..but I could feel nothing but despise for him, coz he can be so damn square.
I just let him know that it's the first time I meet a person who is so open and rich of experiences, and that I'm learning a lot from him.
But of course, this made things even worse (I can only imagine what he started thinking about) so I just left, furious.
It's so boring and depressing to see people like this, dedicated exclusively to work and nothing else. They just want to achieve, achieve and achieve. Nothing else seems to matter to them.
Of course, I realize it's not fair to judge other people only by comparing them to myself...and since I'm already quite busy trying to figure out something about myself, I'd probably better just leaving them alone.
But I have to live in this place and have some kind of relationship with these people so...
In the middle of all this, at least I have met one bearable person. It's a girl, B. She's nice, at least she can be honest with me. We've been hanging out recently. She's not from here, she's staying here with her auntie now...
it's not a very good situation for her here, coz her auntie is really irritanting and stuff, she's alone so she's got nothing else to hold on but her nephew.
So yes, she's kinda stuck with this old woman.
Dunno...not even sure what I'm blathering about.
Thursday, 26 November 2009
I am starting, for what it is possible, to settle down here. The good thing is that there's stuff to do, there's new people, quite cool folks too, actually. I met this older guy, I'll just call him C., and I must say I don't remember feeling so much admiration for a person. He is so smart and open and has a completely personal view of everything. He's very sweet too, he got immediately interested in me, we just started chatting on a random occasion and carried on and on for like hours. He doesn't seem to mind at all that I'm younger...
There's nothing in the world like having a person you can talk openly and honestly with when you need to, I think.
Tuesday, 20 October 2009
Thursday, 10 September 2009
Thursday, 3 September 2009
Sunday, 30 August 2009
Thursday, 27 August 2009
Anyway, the packet was small, and a small neckalce was attached to it. I noticed that it was the same necklace P. was wearing when I first met him, and I liked it so much that, more than once, I had asked him to give it to me.
Inside the packet there were two little books, both of them Homer, a very nice edition that - as both books are so light - it is easy to carry around.
So...this present made me realise how great our friendship is. Especially because of the necklace. That object makes me go back to those days, happier days? It seems so to me now. It seems tar I'll never live such a happiness again. Time seems to spoil everything. I don't want to complain too much. But it looks as if most things that happen to me are just visions, they don't live any trace. Not many of these things that happen, these "flowers" actually produce anything.
Not all of these "flowers" are like tha though...there are just a few of them that actually manage to produce fruits. And we should not waste these products.
Saturday, 22 August 2009
Friday, 21 August 2009
Tuesday, 18 August 2009
That profound, warm feeling that I used to have for living nature, which used to completely satisfy my senses, now is becoming unbearable to me.
I used to spend hours in the countryside staring at the growing wheat, the rivers; I used to drown in the sight of mountains covered with trees, endless woods, lakes; I used to stare at the sky for hours, lying on the grass, no sound to disturb me except for the quiet buzzing of bees, and the light wooshing of the summer wind. I felt as if I could hear nature breathing; I would breath nature in and let a bit of human absurdity out.
I could perceive the immensity of the mountains around me, af the abyss in front of me, and of the waterfalls behind me. I could imagine this immensity and then see the human beings, nothing but little beings, hiding in their houses.
Oh, how many times I've yearned to be able to fly up to the top of those mountains, the end of those oceans, to drink some of that infinity!
Oh, just to think about those times makes my feel happier. Even just the attempt to summon those very indefinite feelings makes me feel more elevated and makes me realize how much things have changed now.
It is as if this beautiful mirage had disappeared, leaving an abyss eternally open.
How can one say: " this is ", if everything flows? If everything is swept away by the fury of the storm, if anything that mantains its form is soon crushed on the cliffs?
There is not a single moment that doesn't destroy you and everybody around you; one is always, always has to be, a destroyer. The most innocent stroll kills hundreds of worms and other insects; a movement of the foot crushes the careful constructions ants make.
It's not really hearing about huge disasters, such as heartquakes and hurricanes, that make me feel sad. What really makes me feel helpless is the fact that violence and destruction is everywhere in nature, and that it's impossible not to be part of it.
I look at the sky, at the ground, and all I can see now is an immense monster eternally devouring and eternally ruminating.
Saturday, 15 August 2009
That there is nothing in this world that matters more than love. I feel this in some of the people I have constantly around, even in a simpe way, like the way P.'s younger siblings are always waiting for me to get back to them.
I went to their house yesterday to help P. fixing his piano ( well, we were gonna give it a try anyway), but basically his little brothers and sisters started chasing me and wanted me to tell the a story, and P. said to go ahead and make them happy.
So I told them this story that my grandad used to tell me about this funny man who goes thorugh an endless series of unfortunate events. It was a lot of fun, and I must say I learn so much from them everytime. Like, sometimes it happens that I make a story up and then I forget it, so they just go like: " last time the story was different..."
And they're really demanding and all that, which is funny, so now I try and be as accurate as possible!
Which kinda makes me think that, when writing or story - telling, the first draft is always the best, no matter how rough or disorgnized it is. It's the most honest.
Because the fact is that I don't think man made creations should be polished at all. They shouldn't be perfect. They should aim at perfection...but there's no point in trying and erase the traces of " a mistake". It's like erasing a memory, in a way.
Wednesday, 12 August 2009
Sunday, 9 August 2009
Inevitably, we ended up talking about him. She's known him for longer than me, so she talked about his family, the fact that his mother is not well, and the fact that she is practically acting as a babysitter for P.'s younger siblings. Then she said how much P. has changed due to his family situation, and how he is now much more careful about relationships and stuff. I'm not sure what that means.
Anyway, I just listened to her, we were sitting in a park, I just played with the grass.
I think she is allright. She sounds pretty grown up for her age when she talk, and this scares me a bit.
Saturday, 8 August 2009
Thursday, 30 July 2009
Wednesday, 29 July 2009
Sunday, 26 July 2009
Friday, 24 July 2009
It's as if I couldn't fix the images I have in my mind, or the emotions I have in my heart.
And, I know it sounds ridicoulous but, I started making a drawing of P. for three times, and everytime it was just shit. Which kind of annoys me as I love drawing.
Monday, 20 July 2009
My mother keeps complaining about me, saying that I'm lazy, that I don't do 'enough'. I don't understand why people are so obsessed with producing things, it seems that the act of thinking for it's own sake is not accepted anymore. They want results, stuff they can buy or sell, money.
It's all very sad.
Sunday, 19 July 2009
Saturday, 18 July 2009
Thursday, 16 July 2009
Monday, 13 July 2009
Friday, 10 July 2009
He asked me if I fancy P. This term, "fancy" seemed so inappropriate and lame to me that I almost got angry.
I mean, how could I reduce the mixture of feelings I have for P. as "fancy"?
There's so much more to it, and yet, it's so hard to explain. I wish I was a great poet or a composer sometimes.
It's like if he had asked me if I like Rimbaud ( my favourite poet) or Beethoven...I mean, how could I say I "like" them? It's such a complex way of loving someone.
Since I couldn't answer my friend and I was getting angry, I changed subject.
He didn't even notice, I think.
Wednesday, 8 July 2009
oh...it was all very strange. P. is back, and he happened to be hanging out with his father too, and, I think I've said this already, but his father and my father are old friends.
I think they vaguely know me and P. know each other, but they have no idea about the fact that we see each other so often, at least I don't think. They both work a lot, ya know, never home.
Anyhow, they stopped to talk and I really didn't know what to do...I think I blushed a bit.
P. was looking at me with those bloody amazing eyes!!!! ahhh..I'm kust a stupid kid.
But he was...I think he was embbarrassed too tho, cauze when I looked at him he would look away like pretend he didn't care.
Maybe he actually doesn't care that much?
Maybe it's just all in my stupid mind?
I couldn't help thinking this afterwards, the thought depressed me and I wanted to cry.
When we departed I kept looking back at him walking down the street, his beautiful hair. his shoulders, his ass.
I so want to be closer to him.
What a stupid fucked up child I am!
Monday, 6 July 2009
Wednesday, 1 July 2009
Monday, 29 June 2009
His brothers and sisters were there too, and they're all very nice, so we just spent a lot of time playing video games with them.
at some point their father arrived with a friend of his, I think, and this guy was just really annoying as he started making comments about how bad videogames are for kids and stuff like that...bah.
So now I can imagine him going around telling his friends that P. and I have a bad influence on P.'s brothers.
Gosh, sometimes i really think children should stay children...I mean, sometimes adults are so dumb compared to children...they can say and do such stupid things and for the most absurd reasons.
Maybe it's just my idea, I dunno. Aww, ok, I'll stop rambling about these things.
Sunday, 21 June 2009
I found out where P. lives, and, I know it might sound very silly, but I've been loitering around that area quite a lot recently...it's a very nice place, sort of leafy and green and there's this amazing cemetery I love going to. It makes me feel very happy when I go there..well, happy is not the right word, actually, coz I feel sort of hungry, yearning. But I like that sensation , in fact, sometimes I prefer being hungry rather than satisfied. Being satisfied makes me bored and nervous.
Friday, 19 June 2009
Tuesday, 16 June 2009
He's a bit older than me and he's got like eight siblings or something. But this doesn't really matter, does it?
What matters I guess is ho w I met him and stuff.
Well, ok, let's see.
Basically, I went to this party one night. I wasn't too keen on going because it was organized by some friends of my parents, and I was kind of forced to go and stuff like that, which I really hated. Plus, I got chatted up almost immediately by this really boring girl, and I was basically having the worst time ever.
What I ignored, though, was the existence of my parents' friends' oldest son, P.
Well, he arrived to the party kinda late, and I'd been sitting there trying to cope with this girl's lousy chatting.
His siblings were at the party already, and when he arrived all of them jumped up and went to say hi to him. They must love him very much, and I can see why : )
So, I must have looked at him intensely enough for him to notice, coz he came to me after a while, and introduced himself.
He also apologized for the party, which he agreed was kinda boring. The youngest of his brothers were still gravitating around him, so he told them to introduce themselves to me.
It was all pretty sweet.
So, I forgot to say that the party was in this big house with an even bigger garden, so we ( me and him) ended up walking outside.
We started talking about book sand stuff, and I got really excited when he told me he's into Romantic literature, stuff like Goethe and Byron, ya know.
So, I was so enthusiast that I started talking about " The Sorrows of Young Werther" by Goethe, which is a wicked book where this fucked up kid commits suicide because the girl he loves doesn't give a damn about him, and I kinda talk non stop for hours, which was perhaps a mistake as, when I finally stopped, I realized P. had started talking to someone else.
Luckily, though, he came back to me very quickly.
He asked me if I wanted to dance, and you can bet I said yes.
We went back inside and started dancing on this allright 70's rock music, not exactly my favourite, but far enough.
Maybe it's just an illusion or something, but I could tell he was into me. He gave me some very intense looks and smiled a lot and danced closer and closer to me. He also pretended he wasn't though. Like his looks were sort of secret, and he kept checking that people weren't looking at us and stuff. Gosh, it was pretty hard work not to get too involved, really.
It felt great, I didn't actually feel human anymore, more, err, a godlike creature?
I guess that's because I felt so grand, or something.
Then we stopped dancing and sat down, I went to get drinks and then we kept on chatting.
The weird bit was when he mentioned, for like three times in a row, the name of a girl. I got pretty nervous and stuff, so I asked him who she was. Damn.
You know why?
He said she is his girlfriend. Can ya believe it?
Fuck, that really disappointed me.
I didn't know what to say, I think I blushed or something, and I had to leave.
So I waled around the party for a while, didn't know where the hell to go really.
Meanwhile the party was getting louder and messier, and people were starting to get drunk, both the old and the young ones.
So walked upstairs, not knowing where the hell I was going, and you know what?
There were these kids crammed in a bedroom, and P. was in the centre of them all.
I then found out it was his bedroom.
I didn't want to get in at first, but he saw me and kind of dragged me in.
They were playing this game where you have to roll the bottle and decide if you want to confess something personal or have let someone "do" something to you.
When it was P.'s turn, he had to slap at least five people.
He slapped some boys and girls, not very hard and sort of politely, but then he slapped me, and that was way different, I think.
I mean, he slapped me kinda hard, but in a, how can I say, passionate way? Like, he wanted to kiss me but could only slap me?
I remember the burning sensation on my cheek. I loved it.
Meanwhile, outside it had started raining pretty bad.
When the game finished, P. and me went outside together. We stood in the rain for a bit and got quite soaked.
We didn't speak much at all, just stood there, but then P. started singing "Black Sabbath"( by Black Sabbath, of course) which starts with the rain, you know?
And we kinda sang it together in the rain. It was pretty awesome, I think.
As I said, it's tricky to explain this, especially now that my brain is sort of fucked by the presence of aforementioned person. I'm happy, I think?
It seems daft and kind of cheesy to start saying how amazing this guy is, I know...I'll try to avoid that. But, gosh is he cool!
It's also kind of pointless for me to try to describe this guy, I'd probably fail anyway...but I've gotta tell someone!
And I know that if I don't write it down now I'm gonna change my mind and not write about it at all...I'd prolly start thinking that it's really tacky after all and stuff...
so I will say how I met him and stuff, but now I actually have to go see him so, more later.
Saturday, 30 May 2009
Wednesday, 27 May 2009
Tuesday, 26 May 2009
I don't know....maybe it's just bullshit.
I mean, if you stick to nature in a way you limit yourself a lot. So, yes, I'm not even sure why I felt that when I was drawing that kid. I suppose I just saw a lot of beauty in reality.
I refuse every rule, I think rules are the exact opposite of true feelings, of passion.
I know we do need some sort of rule in order to live together on the same planet...so many of us.
But I hate everything that's moderated...I mean, if you want to love, LOVE! if you want to hate, HATE...but DO IT!
Why does this happen so rarely?
Monday, 25 May 2009
And if I look inside myself, I find obscurity rather than positive energy.
Which kind of makes me scared, and confused, and numb, so I just smile and carry on trough this life, in a dreamlike state.
After all, grown ups are exactly like children. They have no idea where they wanna go and where they've come from. They just keep going, because they take for granted, and accept, the fact that they have to.
Well, in a way sometime I kind of envy these people whose lives are like children's: they just label everything they do and are, they get paid, buy more things, get paid again, and they're happy. Lucky them, in a way.
I mean, what's the point of meeting so many people all the time if then none of them means anything for you?
Most people are just so busy working that, when they have a bit of freedom, they try as hard as possible to fill it with more work! How idiotic is that?
Oh, Shola ( she used to comment on my blog, but she's nowhere to be seen lately) said something interesting about this. I'll quote her:
"No one really knows themselves and when they do, they are too old to do something about it. Huahaha."
I think the laughter is actually the wisest part of the sentence.
I suppose it's all a matter of letting oneself go and be a bit...carefree?
Like when we were children maybe.
I just have to avoid thinking of all the energies that are in me. It's like knowing that you're a super hero but being unable to show that to the world. I don't knwo if this makes sense...
err...well, it's just this sensation of having so much stuff inside that just lies there and rots away because you can't use it, or not yet. You have to hide your real identity, in a way.
And this really pisses me off.
But then, I suppose every 'freak' is doomed not to be understood.
This thought makes me a bit sad because it reminds me of the conversations I used to have with my once-upon-a-time best friend, D.
I used to have a really ace time with him. When I was with him I felt I couldn't, didn't need to, go further, because what I was already was as far as I could go, that is, perfect.
It was rare, pure perfection. It was never 'perfect' in the universal sense, if there is such a sense, but it was perfect in its own being obviously imperfect.
aahhhhh, I'm tripping over my own words now.
Oh, I met this guy a few days ago...he's an artist and he's quite cute : )
But he's one of these people who boast about their own culture by insisting that they don't know anything, which is kind of annoying, so I don't know what's gonna happen.
So, he came to my place and I showed him some drawings and shit I've made...he said he liked them, and he seemed honest. But then he kept going on and on about what he's read and this and that, and it all became a bit boring really.
But at least he's real...not like these people you meet that pretend to be your friends and then just disappear.
I was walking down the road yesterday, and I saw this woman on the floor, she had fallen or something. So I offered to help...you know, kindness and all that shit. And, you wanna know what?
She basically kicked me with her bag!
I mean, WTF?
I'm gonna stick to myself from now on...
I literally feel excitement running through my veins..how can I explain to you? I'll never see a moodier, more unstable person than myself now. Yes, I know this might sound werid to others: but I know you'll understand, right? I mean, you've seen me going nuts enough times, haven't you?
And I just keep over indulging my heart, I'd be such a sweet parent if my heart were a child : )
But hey... shush! don't tell this around....
Ya know...People are strange ( stranger than me)
Sunday, 24 May 2009
I'm gonna try and stop whining about everything and think about the present a bit more. Let the past take care of itself. Yeah, I see what you meant when you said that I can't carry on racking my brains over the past...you're so wise sometimes.
I've had this argument with my mum, but I don't feel like talking about it now. Nothing big. I just realize how misunderstanding sometimes is worse than bad actions...coz things end up being even worse when people don't understan each other.
I found this little garden with an old shed in it, and I just spent sometime in the shed, thinking. It felt like there was something really, how can I say, 'sensitive' about that garden...I dunno...but it made me feel very emotional ( not unusual). And I started to think I'd love to own that garden.
Thursday, 21 May 2009
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
Sunday, 17 May 2009
Teen Robs Shop With Banana Then Eats Evidence
2 hours 41 mins ago© Sky News 2009
A teenager was caught trying to rob a store with a banana - then ate the makeshift weapon to destroy the evidence.Skip related content
RELATED PHOTOS / VIDEOS
Sadly for John Szwalla he was unable to swallow the skin which was duly photographed by police in North Carolina, America.
The 17-year-old is currently in the county jail charged with attempted armed robbery.
The bizarre drama began when Szwalla entered the 109 Biz Center in Winston-Salem with a banana under his shirt.
The hapless thief told staff in the internet cafe that he had a gun and demanded cash, according to local reports.
Owner Bobby Ray Mabe said he and a customer jumped on to Szwalla, pinning him into a chair before deputies arrived.
But while they waited for police, Mabe says the teen stuffed the banana into his mouth and swallowed it.
When deputies arrived they took pictures of the banana peel instead.
Forsyth County Sheriff's office spokesman Major Brad Stanley said police joked about charging Szwalla with destroying evidence.
"If he had had a gun he would've shot me," Mabe said yesterday.
"But he had a banana," he added.
Szwalla faces a charge of attempted armed robbery. Jail officials said he does not have an lawyer.
Szwalla is in the Forsyth County Jail, with bond set at £35,000.
Saturday, 16 May 2009
Tuesday, 28 April 2009
Thursday, 16 April 2009
Tuesday, 14 April 2009
It talks about this guy, Timothy Treadwell, who's completely passionate about grizzly bears and wants to be one of them and be accepted by them.
He spends day after day alone in their company and then, one day, he ( and his unlucky girlfriend) is devoured by a bear.
The film presents the footage fgilmed by Treadwell together with interviews to people he used to know, and a voiceover y Herzog.
I'm not sure what it is, but there's something stunning about this film. This guy Treadwell, he was amazing. He had this childish way of speaking and of getting excitedabout things that reminds me of, I don't know, Michael Jackson perhaps?
VEry fascinating characters. People the world doesn't, cannot, understand.
What is responsible? Is being a human a responsible thing?
Monday, 6 April 2009
I was filled with a strange enthusiasm:
I exist, I said, I exist in this world at this time.
I can go out there, get up, do things. I can create, I can feel.
I've got a body and I've got a brain.
I can do anything I want to do.
I still haven't done anything, I am new, what I know is never enough. I will go out there and explode.
And if I won't achieve what I want, then I will still be able to BE, to survive, to wander around ( like a cloud, oh) to exist and be surprised, everyday, by the mere fact of existence, by my body, by other people's stories, by all the mysteries yet to be discovered.
This is what came to my mind as I was awakening, slightly hungover, this morning.
Wednesday, 1 April 2009
Sunday, 29 March 2009
Wednesday, 25 March 2009
Saturday, 21 March 2009
Thursday, 19 March 2009
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
down the path
And, brushed by wheat, walk on the
Dreaming along, I’ll feel the coolness
under my feet
And bathe my bare head in the poetic
I won’t speak, I will not even think,
But infinite love will geyser up in my
And I’ll go far, far away, like a Gypsy
Into the wilds — as happy as if I were
with a woman.