(He doesn't want me)
Tuesday, 25 May 2010
I had a plan in mind, and I didn't wanna say anything about it before it became reality. But now, since I'm making nothing out of it, I can as well say it. I wanted to leave, go away, far, seriously far. Somewhere wild, possibly. I was telling a friend of mine about it recently. He told me if I really wanted to go, I would have to be a lot more rational than I am about it.
Friday, 7 May 2010
So, I travelled back to my hometown. I went through lots of different unexpected states of mind. When I arrived to the big tree I always used to go to as a kid, at about fifteen minutes distance from the town, I stopped the car and got off. I just wanted to live back the memories, taste them as if they were new and alive in my heart. I sat under the tree that, as a kid, used to be the last stop of many adventurous trips. Everything seemed so different! Back then, when I didn't know anything, I just wanted to get away, leave, find myself somewhere out there, hoping to fulfil my ever hungry self. And now, I was returning from the world, that world, with so many disappointments, so many failures! I could see in front of me the mountains that I once desired to reach. I could once sit for hours and just daydream about going beyond those mountains and loose myself in the woods that I could see from that position and, when it was time for me to leave, how sorry I was to have to interrupt my dreams!
Anyway, so I went to town, and I recognised all the old houses and noticed there were lots of new ones too.
It was so weird to see that my old school is not a school anymore. I just spent some time remembering all the pain I went through inside that place. What a nightmare!
Now, each step I took was in some way meaningful.
I followed the river down to a farm. I used to play with my friends as a kid around that farm. I spent so many hours observing the water, fantasising about where the river would have taken me to if I let myself go with the flow of the water. I had to go on, always on with fantasising about the horizon, about what could be just beyond that line, until I would get completely lost.
What point is there, really, in knowing that the Earth is round? We can't really perceive it anyway. We are limited in our own sense of flatness, anywhere we go.
Anybody can know what I know. But my heart, only I can have it.
Wednesday, 5 May 2010
Post Scriptum (on April the 19th)
Thank you (you know who you are) for your email. I didn't reply coz I didn't have time. I was afraid my mum was gonna complain about my decision to leave, and she did, but in the end she gave in. It's not that I asked her anyway.
So, tomorrow I'm leaving this place. And, since my hometown is only just a few miles from here, I wanna go see it again, just to remember the, what do they call them, 'good old times', when I used to spend all my time dreaming.