Wednesday, 20 January 2010

I here report an email I sent to P. (I finally managed to do it!)

Dear P.,

I'm here writing to you from an internet cafe I was forced to get in due to a sudden storm. I must say that, during the time I've spent in this fucking hole of a place, I haven't once thought about writing to you. And now, in this tiny, depressing internet cafe, you are the first person who came to my mind. It's funny, as soon as I got in this place, the image, the memory of you, P., appeared so vividly and so intensely in my mind. Wow, I feel happy again for the first time after ages.
You wouldn't imagine how bad I've been feeling lately. I've been looking for distractions that only made things senses seem to have gone numb, and I haven't felt a moment of satisfaction or happiness since I can't remember when.
Always nothing, nothing.
I feel like I've been looking at the world in front of me as if it were a little stage, and I, a giant. I see little men and animals moving in front of me and sometimes I wonder if it is not all just an illusion, like a hologram or something.
I carry on playing my part, or rather I let others play me as if I were a marionette or a musical instrument. And, when I try to touch them, all I can feel is wood or stone.
At night I plan to watch the sun rising the morning after, and then I can't get out of bed. During the days, I look forward to the moonlight and then I stay locked in my bedroom.
There's something missing, definitely. That magical something that would keep me up until late at night is gone. And so is whatever gave me the energies to get up in the mornings.
I have met someone, a girl, B. She reminds me of you, in some weird way. Even though it's hardly possible to be similar to you. Hey, I'm not trying to be flattering...well, perhaps I am.
I've just found out I can be very gentle if I want to. I can also lie very well. Girls seem to like that a lot, yawn.
But, hey, B., she's very nice. She seems to understand me. She's got some really fine blue eyes, daydreaming eyes. She's a big daydreamer also, like me. We spend hours fantasising about country side, far away places, and all that. We also talk about you. She likes you, from what I've told her.
Now, I wish I were there with you, and your little brothers and sisters running around us. I miss those moments. I felt happy then.
The sun is setting now...I can see its peachy light spreading over the shiny streets. The storm has gone, and I...I'll just go back to my 'cage'.
Bye, P.
Oh, how is it going with your girlfriend? Sorry, it sounds like I'm being jealous now.

Love to you.


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