I found out where P. lives, and, I know it might sound very silly, but I've been loitering around that area quite a lot recently...it's a very nice place, sort of leafy and green and there's this amazing cemetery I love going to. It makes me feel very happy when I go there..well, happy is not the right word, actually, coz I feel sort of hungry, yearning. But I like that sensation , in fact, sometimes I prefer being hungry rather than satisfied. Being satisfied makes me bored and nervous.
But it's funny that that area, which I used to go to pretty often even in the past as some relative of mine lives there, now seems so different.
Since I've been going there on my own, without being brave enough to call him, I've been thinking a lot about desire and and the way people dream about going further, discovering, but then most of the times they just accept their limitations and carry on with a life full of routine.
This reminded me that when I was younger , if I saw like mountains or a big field or something, I would dream about what it would be like to go there, to reach the far end. But then, when I actually got to the far end, I found there was nothing worth being there for.
Because, like, the there became here and it became boring.
So, it's like saying that I always really want what I don't have.
I still haven't seen P. since the party. He hasn't called me either...