It's really strange how sometimes the source of your joy turns out being also the source of your pain.
That profound, warm feeling that I used to have for living nature, which used to completely satisfy my senses, now is becoming unbearable to me.
I used to spend hours in the countryside staring at the growing wheat, the rivers; I used to drown in the sight of mountains covered with trees, endless woods, lakes; I used to stare at the sky for hours, lying on the grass, no sound to disturb me except for the quiet buzzing of bees, and the light wooshing of the summer wind. I felt as if I could hear nature breathing; I would breath nature in and let a bit of human absurdity out.
I could perceive the immensity of the mountains around me, af the abyss in front of me, and of the waterfalls behind me. I could imagine this immensity and then see the human beings, nothing but little beings, hiding in their houses.
Oh, how many times I've yearned to be able to fly up to the top of those mountains, the end of those oceans, to drink some of that infinity!
Oh, just to think about those times makes my feel happier. Even just the attempt to summon those very indefinite feelings makes me feel more elevated and makes me realize how much things have changed now.
It is as if this beautiful mirage had disappeared, leaving an abyss eternally open.
How can one say: " this is ", if everything flows? If everything is swept away by the fury of the storm, if anything that mantains its form is soon crushed on the cliffs?
There is not a single moment that doesn't destroy you and everybody around you; one is always, always has to be, a destroyer. The most innocent stroll kills hundreds of worms and other insects; a movement of the foot crushes the careful constructions ants make.
It's not really hearing about huge disasters, such as heartquakes and hurricanes, that make me feel sad. What really makes me feel helpless is the fact that violence and destruction is everywhere in nature, and that it's impossible not to be part of it.
I look at the sky, at the ground, and all I can see now is an immense monster eternally devouring and eternally ruminating.