Wednesday, 12 August 2009

P. 's girlfriend, you know, she can be such a drag.  
We had a strange conversation, me and her. 

Well, basically, weirdly P. called me and told me if I wanted to meet him at his girlfriend's house. He said he wanted to go to the cinema and would have loved to go with both me and her. I said yes, and went to her place. 
The thing is that, when I arrived, P. wasn't there yet, so I had to spend some weird minutes with her. I was kinda wandering around her room, and neither of us was talking. I happened to see this really big knife, like a dagger or something, hanging from the wall. I was about to take as I wanted to look at it, but she stopped me and got all nervous. 

I was surprised, so I asked her what the matter was. Well, she sat down on the bed, and, without looking at me, started telling me about this one episode where a friend of hers harmed herself quite seriously with that knife. She said she kept it there because she thought it looked cool, but she wouldn't touch it herself. or allow anybody else to touch it. then she said something like: " how can we prevent incidents from happening? We can be careful, but it's impossible to know exactly what's gonna happen in the end. However..."

then she stopped talking,so I'm not sure what that " however" was all about. I kinda find irritating her way of always having to limit, change, or revise everything. 
I got bored of her nonsense, and grabbed the knife and held it close to my throat, just or fun. 
She let a tiny scream out, and took the knife from me. She then shouted: " what's wrong with you? What are you doing?"
I just laughed, kinda wanted her to chill out really. 
But this thing I did got things worse...she started moaning about people who commit suicide, and said that she didn't understand why and how someone could do that. She said it is stupid. 
I told her that she shouldn't just label people or things as "stupid" without knowing what the actual problem is. I asked her: " Are you sure you know all about these things, why the y happen, what made them happen? I'm sure if you do thing about this, you would talk about it like this. "
She said that it is still something people should never do. 
I replied that it's all relative...everything, including theft, or betrayal ( I didn't mention this in a completely casual way) is relative. 

" That's different" she said. " Often you can't really control your passions or instincts...but that''s more like being drunk or stoned or something. You're just out of your mind."

I started thinking how much my own passions are sometime close to madness, and I realized I quite like that, actually. After all, many of my favorite writers and artists have at some point been considered mad or alcoholics. 
I told her that, and she said that great art has nothing to do with suicide. Suicide will always bee a matter of being weak, as it's so much easier to kill yourself than it is to live. 

I just wanted to dropped the conversation because it was making me irritated. P. wasn't there yet, he was really late. 

But then I asked her again: " So, you call it weakness? Would you say that it is weak if, for example, a person who is caught in a fire finds out he is able to move weights he wouldn't otherwise have been able to move? Or a person who rebels against some sort of injustice? I mean, if struggle is strength, then I don't see why over excitement shouldn't be. "

She looked at me and said I didn't make any sense. 
I'm used to people saying that to me, so I just ignored the comment and went on saying that human being have limits, and sometimes they can't stand situations or emotions. It's all a matter of how much you can stand really, but it has nothing to do with being "bad" or "good" 
Cause wanting to commit suicide is pretty much like dying emotionally, so it's similar to a terminal illness of the emotions or something.

I told her about this boy who used to come to my school. He drowned himself in a river because his lover ( he was gay) had left him. Apparently, he was completely in love with this other boy. 
I said that this happens when one's life stops making sense, when one gets caught in a labyrinth of emotions which are too strong to sustain. You can't say this is stupid...

She still wasn't convinced. She kept saying that, if you were intelligent, then you wouldn't to it. 
But how many times do emotions overcome our intelligence? 

I was getting kinda exasperated with this chat. And P. wasn't there yet. 
I just decided to leave, coz, what was the point anyway?

I felt really weird all the way back home. 




1 comment:

  1. I have an odd take on suicide. I would never do it, nor consider it. But I have thought about death and at stages wished I was dead or that I would die. It's a difficult thing to get your head around.

    P's girlfriend probably doesn't understand the emotions and thoughts behind suicide just as I once didn't understand the thoughts and emotions behind self harm. These sorts of things are incredibly hard to understand if one has not partaken, or wished to partake in them, or felt similar.

    I am willing to admit that I do not understand suicide. I understand some of the emotion that goes behind it, but I would never even consider trying to end my own life. I couldn't do it and wouldn't want to.

    Suicide is not weak, but I still don't think it should be undertaken. I'm a firm believer in life.