Last night I went out. I got to the river around eleven - ish. Ther river was lit by the moon light, it was a scary view. I imagined it to be an ocean, during a storm. I imagined the waves exploding in front of me, the wind blowing, the blackness of the sky swallowing everything. And I was shaken by a shiver of terror and, at the same time, of desire. Yes, I was standing with my arms open in front of the abyss and I was thinking 'Down! Down!'. And I was getting lost in the longing of being swallowed by that imaginary storm and lose my pain, and to be taken away by the waves. But you didn't dare lifting your foot and stepping forward to put an end to it, did you!
My time isn't over yet. I feel it.
But I would have gladly given my body away to be able to tear those clouds apart and to grab those waves! I wonder if I'll ever be able to do that?
And so, sad as I was, I looked for this place under a tree I had once sat with P. after a walk. But it was too dark and I could barely spot it.
And I started to imagine this area completely flooded by the river, and the a larger area, and slowly the whole region was flooded. And I was the only one left there, alone, dreaming of the past, of fields, of the sun which didn't exist anymore.
And I was still there but I wasn't angry with myself, because I was brave enough to die, if I wanted to...I would be....but I keep prolonging whatever there is to prolong for unknown reasons