I arrived yesterday. I feel very alone, but I'm trying and be cool about it. A happy heart can bear everything...happy heart? haha, LOL...sometimes I write such random stuff. And to think that I wouldn't need that much to be the happiest boy in the world. I know, I know...with all the people that, having little more than nothing, manage to be satisfied, happy with themselves, I, on the other, miserable hand, continuously whine about my strengths and my qualities? I could easily do with half of such qualities, if only I could have some more self - esteem. 

Well, let's keep calm. Things will get better. I can feel it already. After a period of quasi complete self - inflicted isolation, to be again among people makes me feel better.  Because yes, sometimes I still forget that each one of us needs to relate in a way or the other to other people or other things and that loneliness can be more dangerous than it seems. Our imagination, pushed by our will to elevate ourselves, and fed by dreams and art, can build such incredible creatures that, if put among them, we seem to be of the lowest kind. And everything outside ourselves seems to us to be better, perfect. We sometimes feel that we are lacking something and it's exactly what we lack that most frequently attribute to the others. In the others, we also reflect a better, idealized version of ourselves. And here it is, the perfect creature, entirely created by us (a god). 

If, on the other hand, we keep everything to ourselves, we end up believing that everybody else is in competition with , or against, us. And we become envious, frustrated. 

What  a night...I can stand anything now. I'm not going to see him again. Why don't I have someone to talk to about this? Just sitting here breathing, trying to keep calm. 

Yes, he's probably been sleeping without a worry in the world, he doesn't know he's never gonna see me again! But I'm free; I managed to keep it secret during the last time we talked. 

His girlfriend at told me to go to his house after dinner. They were going to be in the garden. I spent a long time on their balcony, looking at the sun that, for me, seemed to be setting for the last time. So many times I had been there with him watching that brilliant scene, and now...

I walked up and down the little path that leads to the garden, thinking of how, when we had just met, we found this secret spot covered with leaves, which we both loved. It's like a tiny secret den that one can get in, and it's the most isolated place in the world. I still remember the strange sensation I felt when I first went in it. It felt like a sort of omen of everything, good and bad, that was yet to come. 

So, anyway, I'd been thinking about all this, when I heard them coming up. I ran to meet them and we all went down again and, while we walked, the moon came out. 

We sat down on a bench P. in the middle, very uneasy. I couldn't even stay seated...I was so nervous. I got up, walked up and down, stopped. 

P. noticed the beauty of the moonlight on the treetops. Then there was silence. Then he said something like: 

" Every time I see this light I start thinking of immortality. We will definitely exist forever. But( and he looked at me) will we meet again? will we know each other? What do you think Oscar?"

And I said: " Yes, I think we will meet again...I guess. "

This conversation wasn't a good idea from the beginning, because it made P. think about his mother, who passed away some time ago. 

He was practically crying....

So his girlfriend tried to console him, saying that he was thinking too much about death and stuff like that. He was really upset, couldn't cheer up. 

He told us about the last time he saw her before she died, how she had whispered something to him that he's never gonna tell anybody. 

M., P's girlfriend, was there when she died. 

She hugged him and he hugged her back, sobbing. Then he got up, and I was just there, really shaken. He said that it was time to go, but I touched his shoulder and said: " We will meet each other again. Now I'm leaving, but it is because I want to leave. It's not forever, it's never forever. Bye. We'll see each other again.."

" Tomorrow, maybe" said P. half smiling. 

I kinda laughed back, but inside me I was thinking that he didn't know what the truth was. 

They went down the path towards the house. I sat down again, and I couldn't help crying, not even sure why. I just spent a long time there on my own crying my guts out. They didn't see me. 

  

I have to leave! 

I've been thinking about getting away from him for a while for fifteen days now. He's gone to visit a friend. And his girlfriend...I've got to leave!

Why? Why am I kidding myself? What is this mad, endless passion? I can't even write anything that is not about him: my imagination focuses completel on him, and everything that is around me in the world relates to him. And this even manages to make me happy sometimes...but then, I always have to depart from him. When I've been sitting close to him for one, two hours, and I've been observing him in depth - his figure, the way he moves, the way he speaks - after a while all my senses go numb, I can't see or hear anymore, and my throat gets kinda blocked...and my heartbeat spins. Really, sometimes I'm not sure whether I'm still alive or not! And, sometimes, when melancholy does not prevail and I start telling P. about my turmoils, I have to leave. I go outside, to the countryside, and I have to run, free myself, climb hills, hurt myself with twigs and thorns. That gives me joy, a lot of joy. And then, when I can't run anymore, I just climb a tree and kinda fall asleep on it and sometimes wake up that it is night already. I am alone and I feel better, sad but safer, as if I were in a cell or something. But really, to this passion of mine I don't see an end, if not a negative one.

It's true: if anybody could make me feel less depressed, they would. Today I received this present from P.'s girlfriend. I then remembered the reason for this is that I once helped her with an essay she needed to write for the morning after - she is not good at writing, and P. had things to do that night, so I made her a favour and just spent the night writing it.
Anyway, the packet was small, and a small neckalce was attached to it. I noticed that it was the same necklace P. was wearing when I first met him, and I liked it so much that, more than once, I had asked him to give it to me.
Inside the packet there were two little books, both of them Homer, a very nice edition that - as both books are so light - it is easy to carry around.
So...this present made me realise how great our friendship is. Especially because of the necklace. That object makes me go back to those days, happier days? It seems so to me now. It seems tar I'll never live such a happiness again. Time seems to spoil everything. I don't want to complain too much. But it looks as if most things that happen to me are just visions, they don't live any trace. Not many of these things that happen, these "flowers" actually produce anything.
Not all of these "flowers" are like tha though...there are just a few of them that actually manage to produce fruits. And we should not waste these products.

Oh, it's very bad.

My energies have degenerated in a kind of restless laziness; I can't do nothing, but I can't even do something! I feel my imagination has gone, I can't feel anything towards nature, and the idea of reading makes me sick. I swear that sometimes I wish I were an office worker, just to hve, each morning, a schedule I can't get away from. Sometimes I envy friends of mine who seem to be so involved in practical things, and I wish I could be in their shoes. Maybe I should find myself a job?

Sometimes that seems a good idea. But then, I know I would very probably hate it. Really, I'm no sure what to do!

But, yeah, people have told me that this perennial longing for change and a painful restlessness I have will follow me for the rest of my life. And I kinda believe them.